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Living With the Passive Aggressive Man

Scott Wetzler

Living With the Passive Aggressive Man

Scott Wetzler

$24.99

Paperback
Chapter 1 ANATOMY OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSION When the King of Hearts inAlice in Wonderlandtries to calm the Mad Hatter's hysteria by saying, "don't be nervous or I'll have you executed on the spot," the warning could easily have emerged from the lips of a passive-aggressive man. "Yes, no!" "Stop, go!" "I never lie, I was just protecting you from the truth!"What does he mean?The King of Hearts and most passive-aggressive men share the maddening characteristic of never saying exactly what they mean. He may be a legal wizard, a computer genius, a brilliant analytical scientist or a guy who runs a newsstand, but when it comes to relating to others, the passive-aggressive man has just learned to read.He'sas unclear about why he does what he does as you are about his behavior. When patients describe his psychological abuse, they often begin the same way: "This guy isimpossible.""This guy isdifficult.""Every meal, every conversation and everything we decide to do is handled like we' re two warring nations negotiating a pact, not two people who care about each other," one woman told me. She could be talking for other women about their husbands, fathers, bosses, the shoemaker. What's the appeal of a guy who says in one breath, "I love you/I hate you," or, "I promise.../Why should I do anything for you?" If you have any emotional investment in a passive-aggressive man, it's because you've probably fallen for his salesmanship. He's brilliantly persuasive at selling himself -- whether it's his brooding stoicism, his understated charm, his boyishness or irresistible seductiveness. You buy into his elusiveness; but you also buy into hisneediness.You feel for him and want to be the one who breaks through, who tears the walls down and gets him to shape up. In many cases, it is a thankless mission. Problems arise with the passive-aggressive man because of his fatal flaw: an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does confuses you, or, more likely, angers you, this is why. You're not the only one to react this way. It's what passive-aggression is all about. INSIDE PASSIVE-AGGRESSION A seemingly paradoxical term, passive-aggression asks the question, How can a person be passiveandaggressive, rather than one way or the other? It's a common misconception about passive-aggression that its perpetrators swing alternately between the two behaviors -- either willfully with premeditation to control others (aggression) or in a self-effacing manner (passivity). The truth is that the passive-aggressive man doesn't ride an emotional seesaw (although he may put you on one); he's not passive today and aggressive tomorrow, depending on the circumstances. Rather, the passive-aggressive man is simultaneously passive and aggressive. The paradox reigns because herenounces his aggression as it is happening. Since passivity and aggression are contradictory by origin and act, you can see that we are dealing with a complex and fundamentally ambivalent creature. Passive-aggressive tactics aren't that easily read at first; it takes a while to figure out what this guy is getting at: the blur of meaning lies in his genius for creating discrepancies between how he pretends to be and how he acts, which is a better indicator of his true intentions and feelings. You're always receiving mixed messages because he wants you to guess what he wants almost as much as he wants to fool you or string you along. This is what his double-speak can sound like: -- "I can't live without you," a passive-aggressive boyfriend says as he kisses you and leaves the room. Or, when the two of you are alone, he asks "Why are you around all the time?" when he means,I'm terrified that you'll leave me. -- "Are you interested...?" a passive-aggressive husband may whisper to a wife who makes

- Publisher DO YOU KNOW ONE OF THESE MEN?^"The catch-me-if-you-can lover... "^Phil's romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.^"The deviously manipulative coworker or boss... "^Jack denies resenting Nora's rapid rise in the company, but when they're assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her.^"The obstructionist, procrastinating husband... "^Bob keeps telling his wife he'll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it.^These are all classic examples of the passive-aggressive man. This personality syndrome -- in which hostility wears a mask of passivity -- is currently the number one source of men's problems in relationships and on the job. In "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man," Scott Wetzler draws upon numerous case histories from his own practice to explain how and why the passive-aggressive man thinks, feels, and acts the way he does. Dr. Wetzler also offers advice on: ^- How to avoid playing victim,

- Publisher

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About "Living With the Passive Aggressive Man"

Chapter 1 ANATOMY OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSION When the King of Hearts inAlice in Wonderlandtries to calm the Mad Hatter's hysteria by saying, "don't be nervous or I'll have you executed on the spot," the warning could easily have emerged from the lips of a passive-aggressive man. "Yes, no!" "Stop, go!" "I never lie, I was just protecting you from the truth!"What does he mean?The King of Hearts and most passive-aggressive men share the maddening characteristic of never saying exactly what they mean. He may be a legal wizard, a computer genius, a brilliant analytical scientist or a guy who runs a newsstand, but when it comes to relating to others, the passive-aggressive man has just learned to read.He'sas unclear about why he does what he does as you are about his behavior. When patients describe his psychological abuse, they often begin the same way: "This guy isimpossible.""This guy isdifficult.""Every meal, every conversation and everything we decide to do is handled like we' re two warring nations negotiating a pact, not two people who care about each other," one woman told me. She could be talking for other women about their husbands, fathers, bosses, the shoemaker. What's the appeal of a guy who says in one breath, "I love you/I hate you," or, "I promise.../Why should I do anything for you?" If you have any emotional investment in a passive-aggressive man, it's because you've probably fallen for his salesmanship. He's brilliantly persuasive at selling himself -- whether it's his brooding stoicism, his understated charm, his boyishness or irresistible seductiveness. You buy into his elusiveness; but you also buy into hisneediness.You feel for him and want to be the one who breaks through, who tears the walls down and gets him to shape up. In many cases, it is a thankless mission. Problems arise with the passive-aggressive man because of his fatal flaw: an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility hidden under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does confuses you, or, more likely, angers you, this is why. You're not the only one to react this way. It's what passive-aggression is all about. INSIDE PASSIVE-AGGRESSION A seemingly paradoxical term, passive-aggression asks the question, How can a person be passiveandaggressive, rather than one way or the other? It's a common misconception about passive-aggression that its perpetrators swing alternately between the two behaviors -- either willfully with premeditation to control others (aggression) or in a self-effacing manner (passivity). The truth is that the passive-aggressive man doesn't ride an emotional seesaw (although he may put you on one); he's not passive today and aggressive tomorrow, depending on the circumstances. Rather, the passive-aggressive man is simultaneously passive and aggressive. The paradox reigns because herenounces his aggression as it is happening. Since passivity and aggression are contradictory by origin and act, you can see that we are dealing with a complex and fundamentally ambivalent creature. Passive-aggressive tactics aren't that easily read at first; it takes a while to figure out what this guy is getting at: the blur of meaning lies in his genius for creating discrepancies between how he pretends to be and how he acts, which is a better indicator of his true intentions and feelings. You're always receiving mixed messages because he wants you to guess what he wants almost as much as he wants to fool you or string you along. This is what his double-speak can sound like: -- "I can't live without you," a passive-aggressive boyfriend says as he kisses you and leaves the room. Or, when the two of you are alone, he asks "Why are you around all the time?" when he means,I'm terrified that you'll leave me. -- "Are you interested...?" a passive-aggressive husband may whisper to a wife who makes
- Publisher

DO YOU KNOW ONE OF THESE MEN?^"The catch-me-if-you-can lover... "^Phil's romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.^"The deviously manipulative coworker or boss... "^Jack denies resenting Nora's rapid rise in the company, but when they're assigned to work together on a project, he undermines her.^"The obstructionist, procrastinating husband... "^Bob keeps telling his wife he'll finish the painting job he began years ago, but he never seems to get around to it.^These are all classic examples of the passive-aggressive man. This personality syndrome -- in which hostility wears a mask of passivity -- is currently the number one source of men's problems in relationships and on the job. In "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man," Scott Wetzler draws upon numerous case histories from his own practice to explain how and why the passive-aggressive man thinks, feels, and acts the way he does. Dr. Wetzler also offers advice on: ^- How to avoid playing victim,
- Publisher

Meet the Author

Scott Wetzler

Wetzler is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Montefiore Medical Center.

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Product Details

Product Details
  • Catalogue Code 77995
  • Product Code 0671870742
  • EAN 9780671870744
  • Pages 208
  • Department General Books
  • Category Relationships
  • Sub-Category General
  • Publisher Simon & Schuster Usa
  • Publication Date Oct 1993
  • Sales Rank #24056
  • Dimensions 213 x 139 x 13 mm
  • Weight 0.190kg

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